I find myself revisiting the dilemma of discipline once again after a presentation offered this August at the Nelson Waldorf School. Visiting presenter Kim Payne offered his well developed, researched and hysterically funny ideas on the evolution of discipline in our western culture. The audience had the painful delight of listening to their very own discipline strategies being played out by Kim with all the accompanying gestures, mannerisms and pitfalls of these approaches.

Kim gave the audience a historical perspective of discipline in the home from the time when families stayed together for much of the day; communities had generally consistent discipline approaches and outside influences were minimal. As parents left the home to work and children left the home for school, outside influence began to take a role in shaping the children’s behaviours, beliefs and attitudes; in response many parents moved into an authoritarian approach to parenting that required instant obedience and unquestioning acceptance. As the children raised in this environment grew up, there was a backlash to this heavy handed treatment and more liberal parenting styles emerged. Permissive parenting, natural consequences, democratic family management and many more styles were presented by the burgeoning flux of parenting experts to an audience of hungry parents searching for the appropriate solution.

The most striking point for me in Kim’s discussion was my recognition of what has drawn me towards the more liberal and democratic approaches to parenting, the deep rooted desire to make the “right” choice, to provide the children with the upbringing that serves them best. In my observation of the variety of parenting styles, I saw the integrity and honesty in the parents who were seeking a better way, the ones who may not have found the “right” approach but who had a heartfelt desire to do so. This level of commitment moves and inspires me while the heavy handed authoritarian approach does not. After Kim so clearly demonstrated and spoke to the problems associated with both these styles of parenting I resonated through experience with his ideas and wondered, “what now”?

Using child development as a guideline for parental responses, Kim presented his ideas on parenting children today using a middle ground between the extremes, matching responses to the age of the child and the importance of staying confident and calm. I learned how vital our role of authority is especially to the young child who is looking for our guidance, wanting us to create a safe and loving environment in which they can freely explore. Our children want to hear “no” at the appropriate moment and they want to know you mean it. And they will test you, they will push boundaries, repeat requests and do it anyways but always they are seeking the same consistent response, a firm, loving redirection back to the action you do want from them. Kim explained the importance of teaching our children what boundaries feel like, what healthy choices look like and how to make the best decision by watching their parent do it for them, from this safe foundation the child can begin to make these choices for themselves to a larger degree as they age. We must do the work first in order for our children to take it on themselves; lead by example and your children will follow.

Kim’s presentation came at the opportune time for me, just as I had adjusted my parenting to reflect my sons need for loving authority I found in Kim’s work the intellectual ideas behind my intuitive knowing and I am seeing the positive results of taking a leading role in my family. I have deep gratitude to all of the parents, teachers and guides who offer their sincere efforts to the children today and the parents charged with their care.

If you would like to learn more about Kim Payne’s work with discipline visit his website.